Dealing With Conflicts In Relationships

Thanks
GentleSoul4Peace
Date: Oct 17, 2006 2:44 PM


Thank-you
sea'lestial

Your happiness does not depend on another person. This is part of the lesson that is learned right now. It is a tricky lesson because it does not mean you need to be stoic or detached in a way that denies your emotions. There is something called true detachment. That means you are centered in spirit. You are true to yourself, your true self. You do not get thrown around by the whirlpool of emotions. You see others with compassion but you do not get dragged into an emotional roller coaster. You stay clear. You stay centered. You breathe. You feel the joy of your being even if you are sad or moved by anothers problems.

Then there is false detachment. You are proud. You feel above others and you look down on their petty problems. You cannot be bothered. You get angry when approached and you suppress your true emotions. You act stoic, detached but in truth you are just covering up. You are covering up your own sense of vulnerability and insecurity. Another form of false detachment is the, "Im fine," defense. "All this happened but Im fine. Im tough. No, this does not bother me. Im above anger, sadness, jealousy or frustration. I am calm, serene." In both cases emotions will be boiling underneath. You will project them onto your body by creating stomach aches or breathing problems or you will project them onto others. "So and so is angry," or "so and so does not love me."

False detachment is not loving, not to yourself and not to others. So what do you do? You write down what you feel. You become honest with yourself. You feel your feelings. Then you dont have to project them onto others. You can relax, let go, breathe. Sometimes angry people who appear in your life can remind you of some anger that is within. Maybe it is something old that you have not looked at for many years. Sometimes there just happen to be angry people in your life and you need to figure out how to deal with them.

So how do you resolve conflicts? Sometimes you can and sometimes you cannot. This is one of the secrets of finding peace in life. Sometimes you cannot resolve a conflict with another. Your sister Maggie might stay angry at you for the rest of your life no matter how many olive branches you hold out. Or maybe her personality and yours do not fit so the best you can do is agree to disagree. Some people are very emotional, others very detached. That often creates conflict. But if you are at the first stages of resolving conflict start with getting clear on what you want. What do you want from this person? What are you not willing to give? Is there a compromise or do you feel put upon? Investigate. Ask yourself questions. Write it down. Become clear what is going on for you. Is there an old pattern repeating itself that has nothing to do with the other person? Is there some old anger coming up? Clearing possibly?

Next tell the person what you want and how you see the situation. Then ask him or her how he or she sees the situation. Have a neutral talk. Dont get into solutions yet. Have a talk. Be open to suggestions, to different ways of looking at things.

Then intend Highest Good for both of you. You are now in a process. The conflict will be resolved or the relationship will end or maybe continue in a more stressful way. Sometimes there are practical reasons why a relationship continues even though it is difficult. Financial reasons, children or a neighbor that does not go away. You need to deal with this. Relax. Breathe. Be honest and go deep within to draw on your inner resources. Sometimes you have no idea how things will unfold. All you can do is center, relax, breathe and intend Highest Good. Keep saying, "I intend Highest Good between me and Martha" or whatever the persons name is. Whenever you think of Martha see the words Highest Good. Keep intending that the Highest probable solution will be found. You dont know what that is. It could be more conflict. It could be a resolution. It could be the dissolution of the relationship. If you hold onto what you think the solution should be you create pain for yourself. "We should be friends," you might think. Well, you have no control over that. None.

"I will be okay either way whether the relationship continues or stops." That is a good thing to tell yourself because it is true. Now you might cry or have a tantrum if things dont go the way you want but eventually you will be okay. You can decide to be okay. "I will be okay." Tell yourself that often. It is a truth. Even if you fall off a cliff tomorrow and die you will be okay. Your guides will be there, old friends from the other side will come. It will be okay.

As you detach from the relationship you can be more effective in bringing in clarity. If you are too afraid to say the truth the relationship will die at some point. It might continue but it will feel dead. Truth is the spark that gives a relationship life. If it gets buried the relationship will become dead. It might continue as a twenty year marriage where you dont talk to each other but energetically it will be dead.

Detachment does not mean you are harsh or uncaring or let your anger run wild. It means if you feel led by your Higher Self to say something that is true for you, you do it even if the other person might become angry or leave. You will be okay.

Questioner: So I have no control over my relationships?

Saint Francis: No, but you have control over yourself. You can be centered or as centered as possible. You can keep your energy clear or as clear as possible. You can practice the tools we give in our book Energetic Empowerment or other tools such as mantra meditations and breathing exercises for example. You can use intent to add light to the situation. But you cannot control it.

Questioner: So I have no control?

Saint Francis: Over the other person? No.

Questioner: But I can ask for what I want?

Saint Francis: Most certainly. And write down what you want. Get clear on that. Also look at why you want A, B or C from the person. Investigate if you would be fine without it. We can give you the answer: you would. But this whole process of inquiry is very important.

Questioner: Why is it important?

Saint Francis: Because you are learning about yourself. Through the relationship and the difficulties that are coming up in the relationship you are learning about yourself. But dont try to learn the other persons lesson. Stay away from that.

Questioner: How do you mean?

Saint Francis: Let us say a man rejects a woman because she is not thin enough in his mind. She feels fine with her weight. She is healthy and happy with it. When the man says, "I dont know why it is so hard for me to accept your body," then the womans best response is, "I dont know either." She recognizes that this is his problem and his lesson and a therapist would be more appropriate in helping him than her input.

Another example: a friend is jealous because you have a good career or a happy marriage. She has to resolve it. Your feeling bad about a successful career or a happy home is not the answer. Be compassionate but also separate. Center as much as possible. Breathe. Relax and enjoy your life. Our love is with all of you.

Saint Francis.

Copyright2006 Anina Davenport.